Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
