Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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