my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
