hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
