If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
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Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
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My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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