I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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