We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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