just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
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im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize