My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
