I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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