3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
