what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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