ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize