Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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