i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
