So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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