I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
