I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
