she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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