You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
