She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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