omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
