i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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