maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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