you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
