my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
