is your mom at the bar?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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