TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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