I will die if light touches me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
