I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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