Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
