She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
