I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
