mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
