I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
