You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
