I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
