I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
