Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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