so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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