i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
