Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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