I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
