fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
