her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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