I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
