I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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