So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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