my phone needs a breathalizer
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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