Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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