cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
