btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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