Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
