idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
