Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
