: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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