So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
