I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
