you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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